The 5 Types of Stoners

I was thinking about my next article to write and I did what any stoner writer would do, I smoked. It took some pondering and a little bit of pacing back and forth until I finally figured out what I wanted to write about. I started thinking what it means to be stoner, and I quickly thought of 5 different classifications.






The Executive

executive stoner

This type of stoner is probably the most productive member of society in the group. They go to their 9-5 jobs, have solid retirement planning, andtake a trip to somewhere tropical once a year. Only in the comfort of their own home (or garage), are they free to indulge in their favorite past time.

Their job title and job security allow them to indulge in the devils lettuce whenever they desire. You would never notice one on the streets because they keep a low profile. They secretly feel scared for their lives when they go to their dealers’ house, unless of course they are a super-executive, in which case they have it delivered. The best part about being an executive stoner is that you always have the most chronic bud since you are the highest on the tax bracket.

Anyway you cut it, this is definitely the safest path you can be on. The major downfall is that getting caught can prove to be a huge embarrassment to someone that oversees a boardroom meeting. A stressful work life can be perfectly complimented by a little bit of ganja.

Stoner index rating: 3/5



The Over the Top

over the top

The over the top stoner can be seen in many different places and come in different shapes and sizes. There are two different categories of “over the top” stoners.

First you have the ghetto fabulous version. You’ll know exactly what I’m talking about if you go to any party in a big city or college campus. These are the same cats that talk about how many blunts they smoke or have story and story about how many times they’ve been to jail. Key things to look for when trying to spot one would be:

  • Neck tattoos
  • Shirts with pot leafs on them
  • Blood-red eyes at 3 in the afternoon
  • A blunt stick behind their ear coupled with shorts that are actually capris
  • A small white guy being swallow by his 3x t-shirt smoking a blunt

The second type is the hippie/tree hugger/college dropout hipster type. Whether they are blown-out trying to smoke the drawstring on their hemp pullover, or explaining their philosophy on why pesticides are bad for the environment, they can be spotted from a mile away.  Look for tie-dye, cut off shorts and dreadlocks when trying to spot one. If you see one at a party your best bet is to move away quickly because you will if marijuana actually causes brain damage.

Stoner Index: 4/5



The Going Nowhere Fast (or slow)

Everyone has a buddy from high school that just never really had any ambition. Whether you kept hanging out with them or not, they always will be the going nowhere fast stoner. They are still doing the same thing they did 10-20 years ago except for the 7 hours a day they used to spend at school are now being spent on basic cable television.

Don’t count on this stoner to have your back or be your wingman when you go out to the bar or club. They will be your best bud until you quit buying their drinks or refuse to smoke your entire stash with them. Favors will never be returned and seem to always become forgotten thoughts.

There is always hope that deep down they are going to one day call you up with a fat bag to smoke. It soon becomes apparent that it’s only a pipe dream you realize as time goes on. In rare cases they have their own place in which case you are subject to an empty fridge with no munchies and neighbors that sound like they are reenacting an episode of cops they just watched.

Stoner Index: 2/5



The Throwback

Nothing is better than having a smoke session with someone who has done it all. They might not be in tune with the latest music and probably don’t have a Facebook, but they’ve got more stories than you could even imagine. It can be a rare honor and privilege to be enlightened by one of these stoners.

Normally someone with no weed would usually be a douche. This is the rare occurrence when you actually want to smoke them down for free. Stories of the good ol’ days when you could get away with anything usually comes up, or sometimes you’ll get to hear about how badass and cheap hotrods used to be.

Throwbacks have put their time in and deserve to be rewarded with copious amounts of weed. Don’t bother telling them what strand of bud you are smoking because they won’t remember anyways. I think the old adage that with age comes wisdom really reigns true in this situation.

Stoner Index: 5/5



The Hybrid

woody harrelson

This is a fairly new type of stoner. Not because they’ve just been discovered, but because they finally have a name. Hybrids are bits and pieces from all the other categories. They may be a young stoner who hasn’t quite landed in a category, or perhaps the rare case of a throwback mixed with a over a top.

Techniques for spotting a hybrid are still in the infant stages. Scientist are working around the clock to learn more about these rare creatures. Hybrids are growing rapidly and its projected that they could become the biggest group stoners by 2050. What little we know is that Denver and San Antonio appear to be hot spots for Hybrids.

Hybrids we thought to have migrated from Canada and parts of Europe.  One thing that is certain is that they aren’t a threat to other 4 classes. Embracing all types of stoners is something that everyone should remember. Even though each type has their flaws, we are all hail the leaf.

Stoner Index: ?/5


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One Response to “The 5 Types of Stoners”

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